Tuesday, February 22, 2011

My Funeral

*The idea for this post came from a forum I belong to. More about that later. Here is the post I made there copied here w/ liberal additions @ the end.

Dearest Fellow Bloggers

I really haven't decided on cremated or buried. They both suck. As for the funeral I have given it quite a bit of thought. I want it to be put on by my sister that has the money in the family. LOL. After I was diagnosed with a mental illness and ended up in a group home she said if I ever needed anything just ask.

She did say something along the lines of that that didn't mean if I needed a coat that she'd get me a fur coat. But, and excuse my "undainty language" but FUCK THAT. I have no real need of anything, at least not now. But I want to take her up on the "if you need anything" when I die. And I "need" a fancy, schmancy "fur coat" funeral.

Since she is 20 years older than me I also think, just to make sure, that I should get up the nerve to tell her this soon so that if she goes before me (I'm fat and out of shape and she's thin and in shape so that may not be the case) like you'd normally expect, that she can make arrangements in her will for the expenses if neccessary. LOL.

I want it to be held in at a nice time of year regardless of when I go (so maybe it would be a memorial service not a funeral depending on what time of year I die). I don't want it to be overly religious unless I do a last minute fear conversion because of a painful illness or I know I'm dying. Hopefully I'm not that much of a coward but probably I am.

I want lots of singing. I want a the choir from my Unitarian church (a sort of non-religious religion) to all be there in their colorful, unmatching ceremonial neck thingys.

I also want the guy in our church who plays the harp and has previously auctioned off specially written harp pieces to write a special piece for me to be played at the service. Perhaps called "Ode to Carmen". LOL.

Even though I probably don't want much if any overly religious stuff, I do want "Amazing Grace" played. On the bagpipes. It always makes me cry. Should get others crying to. I want a lot of crying. I know a bagpiper or two.

I want the guys who wear the purple robes and white plumed hats to be there too. Unfortunately they probably aren't allowed to since I'm not one of them, or a guy for that matter. Damn.

Maybe I can get my fellow Toastmasters to wear a outfit of my design of similar oomph. Members from as many different clubs as possible. They would of course file in in their splashy outfits second only to my immediate family.

I want a fairly long one or two (one by family, one by friends perhaps) eulogy(s) liberally sprinkling in my favorite funny jokes in addition to fun and inspiring stories about me. A story or two about a endearing flaw or two to "keep it real".

I want my fellow Toastmasters especially those who are the very best at telling funny and inspiring stories or who have a special "Carmen story" to be a big part of an "audience sharing time".

I want people to sit in sections based on how they dress. The tastefully elegant, tradional black clad people in one area. The alternate mourning color of white in anotherPeople in regal purple (my favorite color) in still another.

People who wear other colors are not only tolerated but encouraged but should be nicely dressed. GLBT people (Unitarians attract them) can be as flamboyant as they want. Rainbow colors would be festive..

I want boatloads of flowers. Not tacky wreath type flowers either. Multi-color rose arrangements. Orchid arrangements. Calla lillies.Beautiful mixed flower arrangements from a chi chi florist. Every conceivable type of pretty garden flower.

I want a big poster board of pictures of me mostly when I was young and actually looked fairly good. I also want a slide show of pictures set to music. 80's pop music maybe. Or maybe more elegant. The Four Seasons and Bolero. LOL.

I want a little booklet that tells my life story in summary and includes some of my favorite quotes by others and myself. My brother in law and his younger brother were both quoted in theirs and it was by turns really funny/heartwarming.

I want something called a Rosetta Tablet put on my grave/urn area. It is a new thing for the computer age that lets people scan this tablet thingy with their smartphones and then read up on my life story. LOL.

I want either doves or butterflies released at the end of my service. Preferably butterflies. You can buy them for that specific purpose. Lots and lots of butterflies set free by my family and closest friends and the little kids attending.

I want donations to go to a scholarship in my name to be given to adult's who got their basic education late in life. Or that program that teaches kids chess in school to increase their comprehension. I want people donating lots. LOL.

I want a huge feast of a luncheon. I went to a funeral/memorial where some of the sandwiches were crabmeat. Very nice. I want a variety of sandwiches and squares. I want a champagne toast. No make that umbrella rum drinks and slurpees for the kids.

Finally, I want people never, never to forget me. I want a lot of crying initally and then I want people to smile because they liked me, thought I was nice and kind and hopefully funny. And I want people to continue reading my blog...

... in perpetuity. I hope I can count on you, my fellow bloggers to help make sure this last one happens. Spread the word. My blog is at http://catstuff-carment.blogspot.com/ LOL. But I'm still serious! That is "all". ;)

Kisses, Carmen

1 of 1 people found this answer helpful

As you can see 1 of 1 people found the answer to the question that was asked by a fellow blogger coffee shop forum member about funerals helpful. LOL. Yay, me.

I made a few "amendments" to this after reading others (none were quite as thorough as mine though - lol). The changes were all things I had planned but forgot.

They include a umbrella rum drinks and coke slurpees for the kids and anyone else who likes slurpees better than rum drinks as I had edited into this already.

They also include a little goodie bag for mourners including a packet of wildflower seeds to plant in my memory, a little clear bottle of bubbles like at weddings...

... and a coupon book for "free" slurpees. They actually sell them you know. Also, when I mentioned rum drinks and slurpees note that I'd have the machine there. LOL.

Two things were suggested to me that I actually hadn't thought of and that was a New Orleans band to play their way to the funeral (suggested by "betterindividual")

This is what -he- (see comment below) said:

Carmen: your funeral is like an event. all your missing your friends walking down the main roads with a new orleans band playing and for it to be on the news.

I told -him- that it was a great idea but that since I was serious about this idea I was afraid this might not happen but one of the bagpippers said they could get me...

... a full band (that he belongs to, for free!)

The second suggestion was from someone named Psycho Basher who said this...

@Carmen - but I should say that is a well thought out master plan. Would you consider though the Chippendales to be pall bearers, with white sheer robes instead?

All in all, I think they are good ideas, but I am afraid if I got the "Chippies" then the "white plumes" would boycott. Well, I guess they wouldn't come anyway.

So that is that for my funeral I think (pending any other last minute additions) but I also want you to know what some of the other people had in mind that sounded good.

From NickNayls (the DiaperLover! - check out his blog. I'll give the url later)...

I will have a giant castle erected in my honor to commemorate my life. It would be filled with all the treasures I found, things I did, pictures of myself and my family; the works! I would have my biography playing 24/7 in the Imax portion of the castle so that people could watch my life as much as they need to. There would be a food court, an arcade, and smoking lounge (although you are completely allowed to smoke wherever you please). I also believe that I would have a Sports Bar area for the fans, and a small casino in the basement.

Now, in the middle of the 1st floor room shall be me. Standing straight up in a casket made of crystal, dressed in a suit of armor and holding a sword. I'll probably have a cape. I shall remain there for all eternity.

1 of 1 people found this answer helpful

As you can see 1 out of 1 persons also found this helpful. LOL. I know I did. Then there is this (also from Psycho Basher)...

As to mine, maybe in 3 C's - Cremation, Celebration, Contribution
I prefer Cremation. And yes I would love full blown up pictures of ME on walls.

I prefer my memorial in a warehouse adorned as an underground party cum Celebration. People should be in all-white ensemble. The theme is celebrating Life. The Menu will be the best banquet of choice international cuisine that I love. Music will be mixed, Ibiza style, but with mixes of 80's and 90's dance tunes. At the entrance, every guest is mandated a double shot of tequila. Only the designated programs/Events Director is not allowed to drink to ensue that the flow is executed well. Video walls will be all over the warehouse, mainly slideshows and videos of my life with most of the people in the event. My Eulogies are pre-selected. But each one would essay about how much I loved life and lived fully. (however the circumstances of my passing) At the end of the ceremony --- a Blood Bath. Pipes will be filled up with strawberry tequila or sangria and sprayed all over the warehouse on all the guests whilst they go wild simulating a blood bath.

Upon exit, yes, Amazing Grace arranged in blues rhythm, very serene, will play. They are expected to make Contributions to my pre-identified Charities - preferably for Children with Autism. So instead of flowers and whatever, they give their Cash to contribute.

Each guest would go home with a loot bag. My choice writings, a book, and a photo-journal of the event.

1 of 1 people found this answer helpful*

*Actually, for some silly reason no one found the above helpful so before copying and pasting it -I- clicked on it. LOL. Someone had to do it.

It definitely isn't for me (it's one idea I'm certainly not stealing) but the blood bath is definitely original. And showy. And apparently tasty too. LOL.

For the end of this post I thought I would give links to the blogs of the people who I quoted. More than anyone however, the first should be someone I did not.

Her name is Sue or 7ladybugs. She was the one who commented on the thread right after me and said I beat her to the long overdramatic funeral idea she had too.

She however beat me to writing it up on her blog. Not only does she have a post also titled My Funeral but she did one just before about a Redneck Funeral. LOL.

There was also, I believe, something she did just after the "My Funeral" post about what would be on her headstone. So as you can see, she really got into it.

I am giving you her address first, since she gave me the idea of making this an actual blog post. Followed by betterindividual for posting the original question.

As promised here are the links:







  1. "This is what she said"

    I am a man :)
    very thorough funeral post, kudos!
    and I said your comment was helpful.

  2. Oops. Sorry.

    :) Will be changing that ASAP. I should have followed my first instincts and put they but so many of the coffee shoppers that I thought were guys turned out to be women so I guess I lumped you into that group. Always follow your first instinct. :)

    The C.A.T (female - lol)

  3. I waved my magic editing wand and you are now officially (according to C.A.T. Stuff) not a woman! LOL. Oh and thanks for saying my comment was "helpful" - with your help I'll speed through the coffee shop levels :)

  4. I cannot believe or understand why you are planning your Funeral service, maybe you are better being prepared


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